Reinventing my life

Another day, another blog

So for years I ve been busy with baseball, work, relationships and never really found time to do what i want to do. I was never really able to stay in touch with friends, so one october morning i woke up and realized, i m out of options.

I m now looking at job options, looking at options for my life, looking at where my friends have gone, how my relationships have come and gone and am left emptyhanded.

So for the first time in my life I m saying no to things...its a weird feeling and its not an easy phase right now, but I think it might help me re-focus what i should be doing with my life.

For the first time in years I m actually tryin to find new music out there and its actually givin me such an uplift. it seems like for a couple of hours at least all my worries are less of a burden and then i ll have baseball practice tonight and I m not coaching or anything, i m just playin around, jokin around with the guys, just takin a step back, sittin back, watching and having a good time.

Man its been a while. now i met my best friend last night, i m probably goin out next week for the first time in months and i m pondering going on a trip for new years.... i guess i m doing what "normal people" my age would be doing and it feels good....maybe i ve tried to hard....expected too much from myself....or maybe it was expecting too much from life, thinking that its this big huge task you have to master and fulfill, when really all you need to do is just live day by day and take in what you can.

here is a quote for you guys, i just came across, which in so many ways is true:

Why? I ll tell you why. Cause the Red Sox never let you down. Thats right. I mean - why? Because they havent won a World Series in a century? So what? They re here. Everye April, they are here. At 1:05 or 7:05 there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what, they ll make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that? The Red Sox dont get divorced. They are a real family. They are the family thats here for you.

Should I stay or should I go

The day you try to change it all..........

So bloggin, huh? Weird.... You write down your thoughts for everyone in the world to see. Private ones though. It seems like you dont care, cause no one will read them anyways, but then again maybe people do. I m just feeling blue today and I have a moment of weakness I guess, So I ll just do it anyways ;P

So yes. Right now I m at the crossroads. Should I stay or should I go (job). Well I should definately test the market and see whats out there, but then I dont have the motivation to do so.
well I guess I ll have a couple of weeks to think about it, as I m currently employed, even though pay sucks ;P

Should I stay or should I go (relationships). I m not in a relationship, but I m torn between comitting or holding back. I want to but then on the other hand I m scared. I dont wanna hurt anyone ever again and I dont wanna be hurt either. The problem is I m not even sure I ve I ll ever be ready for one. well again I might have time to think about it over and over again. I just dont want to kind of fall into one, as that has happened before, where i didnt really want a relationship, but because i felt lonely i just pursued someone. So yes I ll try to be strong and not fall for anything like that.

Should I stay or should I go (friends). I ve been out of touch with a lot of friends. I ve tried to reconnect with a couple and its actually really nice to see them or at least hear from them. then its hard to keep in touch with all of them cause its so many and I m busy a lot of times.

Should I stay or should I go (baseball). Well its not really about going here...but I m thinkin if i should step down from all my responsibilities, cause they ve taken a high toll on me, personally, emotionally and physically. And I m really burned out about it. I have small things to do now, as its the off-season and I cant seem to finish all of it off. Well it might be better once the season gets around. It was good to have practice last weekend and see some of the guys, even though not a lot showed up, but what do you expect ;)

Should I stay or should I go (family). I m 28 years, about to turn 29 and still livin at home. Yes its the comfort, its the lack of salary (even though i could probably easily live some place), but i might have to drop some luxuary and i m home alone all the time anyways. I guess thats part of why i havent moved out. Sometimes its good to have people around, even though they seem like strangers to me and i dont talk to them really. but at least they are there. Still I should be movin out.

So thats just some random thoughts going through my head. of course there is plenty more....

losing friends.....
losing family......
losing my job....
having a crash.....
health getting worse.....
being lonely.....
being all alone when i m old.....
hurting people......
being taken advantage of and hurt..



oh my this blog has been way to depressive. i promise to make it more upbeat next time, after all i should be enjoyin the moments in life that make me smile =)

New beginnings

NEW JOB:
I have a new job.... well yes....same company...but different responsibilites and different salary ;P
well still not the salary i m looking for, but better than before.
As for job, its just temporary till we get the next event and I can go back to what i m doing best, even though i m already doing part of it in a different position. I m called office manager, but I d like to think more of me being a project manager, as I m working on so many different projects at once, which is kind of fun, cause i like to be challenged.

NEW LOVE:
well its not really a new love, more like...no love. After breaking up with someone once again, it really seems like I might never find what I m looking for in a woman. Its ok, just frustrating at times. I should find my way without woman though.

NEW FRIENDS:
as always the place of friends will be replaced by other friends. Some will stay, some will go. Still it seems like no one listens to the words that actually come out of my mouth, but we shall see. I still believe that one day a person will suprise me.

NEW ATTITUDE:
As mentioned in my last post I m sick of tired of giving and giving and then in the end being the one suffering. I worry so much about everything and everyone and try to do my best to keep everyone happy and take away from peoples responsibilites, it burdens me more and more and I ve just reached a point where i cant do it anymore and I dont wanna do it anymore.
Its like people dont take me serious. They take advantage of me and they dont even care, so I ll take a breather, take a step back and refocus on what I (as in me) want to do.

NEW PRIORITIES:
Up to now it seems like Baseball was my number 1 priority. For some reason things have changed. To be honest I dont know what my number one priority might be, but one thing is for sure, its not baseball anymore. All the things that used to fill me with joy, they seem to be unimportant to me now. I used to want to finish everything in a hurry, now i let things lay around for weeks before I approach them. This years coaching experience has taken a lot away from the fun I used to have. Peoples attitudes towards me and their ignorance have not just frustrated and disappointed me..they have literally disillusioned me, and I m really curious to find out, how i will handle the next year, but i ll probably find out soon, as winter practice is starting tonight.
Lets see if my passion will come back or its gone forever.

NEW GOALS:
So my goal used to be to make an impact in life by helping people. Now that I ve realized I probably cant no matter what I do, I think its time for me to help myself. I should come back to "living", meet friends and family. Do the things I like before doing things for others who dont even appreciate them, or might not even bother to think what I went through to get there, because they dont realize it.
Still I need to find a solution to my loneliness and the possible future as a single person for the rest of my life...

NEW LIFE:
well I m not there yet, but I hope this will be the next chapter....the new life to have actually started. the passion, the joy, the excitement...being able to once again feel something......

for now i ll call it a day......

take care world, take care everybody, from now on you re on your own.....

4 months have come and gone

Its been 4 Months. 4 months in which i ve travelled about 12-13.000 km by car. Woken up in about 20 different beds. Met thousands of new people, lost some long time friends. Have been suprised by some people, but mostly once again being disappointed by people I thought better of.
I ve been workin a job, I thought I was good at, but I guess still need to learn a thing or two.
Have been confronted with arrogance, ignorance and selfishness.

I ve also been faced with unconditional love, friendship that will last a lifetime and family.
I ve seen lots of people cry, seen lots of people smile, seen lots of people angry or full of joy.

So yes its been a random summer. But its also taught me a lesson - a pretty scary one and a pretty sad one. Sacrificing oneself for others will never pay off. I know lots of people will disagree, but I ve tried and tried for a long time now and all its gotten me in return was disappointments and lots and lots of frustration, so I guess its time to call this lifestyle quits and move on to a new stage in my life. This part will be called "Me, myself and I......"

So I guess I ll have to finish off this stage, but soon I ll start the new one and I cant wait for this change, cause its about time, even though it might be too late.

So see you all there, or maybe not ;)

Hitting the Wall

So work finally started this week, as did baseball outdoor practice. Also work on the field is starting up again as the weather is warming up. So it all comes togehter leading to me longing for some sleeping time and wondering how long i can keep up this lifestyle, but knowing its a little more relaxing during winter, I ll just pull through for the next couple of months. And after all its a job. But having around 1100€(after taxes and all the gas i m spending for the jobs) to spend at the end of the month just doesnt seem to be worth it. Well I m sure I ll earn more eventually, at least thats the plan.

Anyways, lets stay positive here. I know how many people dont even have a job right now and dont get to do the things they enjoy, so its good I have all that. Its just a little frustration mixed in with my 5,5 years of studies mainly doing me no good. Anyways. I m excited for todays baseball game and wondering how that will go.

So nothing else is new, but i guess there already is a big change from weeks passed, which basically doesnt leave any time for social life...haha

ok before complaining too much...sorry bout this. The first week is always the hardest. I know things are only gonna look up from here ;)

So have a great summer everyone =)

Rich

Job taken

Just a brief update as again i m working on baseball preparations for the season. Man i should really get paid for that. its like a full time job, maybe even more.

Anyways I accepted the job offer and even though the pay is not great at all, I m sure it will be a fun experience, doing it again after last year in a different position and also there might be a chance i will be extended at a different level. So we ll see. financial crisis is really makin a difference these days =/

On other news...having a team meeting for the mens team tomorrow. I still need to prepare a lot of things. I hope i can really make an impact with the team this year.

So things are pretty much carved in stone until september as baseball and the Roadshow will keep me busy until then. Sleep will be a luxuary, but i like these times, as most people already tell me i m a workaholic....

so take care everyone....have to get back to work...

Trip to the past

So I just went to korea for a 2 week trip. I got back 2 days ago. I always get these weird feelings when i go some other places, cause it reminds me of the crazy life i ve been living for the past couple of years. Even my friends are wondering if i m in one country for more than a couple of months. So it was time for another visit abroad and it brought back a lot of memories from my past stays. Fond memories, but also sad ones.

Then again it also reminded me of how i really have to grow up. Whenever I m there i dont live a grown up life, i still live the life of a "student" and its about time i let go off that. Its not a bad thing, because its fun and enjoyable, but then often i m not content with that.

So actually right now I m pondering a job offer, which again would keep me away from growing up and moving out and all that, but its just a bad timing to be on the job market, so i might still consider it. at least its work and good for my resume.

i m just pressing to move out and move on from this chapter. but i guess it will take some time. its ok. i guess there is still some steps to be taken for it, if ever i reach that stage.

Other than that there is some other things i ve been thinkin a lot about. but those are kind of personal so i might not fill you in on this ;P

So anyways. its always good to go to a country and korea really is part of me. Its just hard i cant really speak korean. I really have to study to get better at it and hope next time i can speak better and i also need to lose some weight again. I m on track though. So i hope by summer i ll be back to 85kg.

ok, enough about this. This is just a brief update to let you know what i ve been up to. Which basically is working on baseball stuff as the season is approaching and maybe start my job next monday (maybe).

So thats it for today. Take care everyone.

another quote, this time from an unnknown source, but i really like it :

"As we grow up,we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever
let you down... probably will. You will have your heart brokenprobably more than
onceand it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt
when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new
love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fastand
you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too
much, and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you
spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

Going up in age

So, I m still looking for a job, so if anyone has an opening please let me know ;)
Although I m trying some things these days. I applied for an internship. My last year internship company is offering me a job and i ll be discussing details on monday. I also send a Volunteer application to the Vancouver 2010 administration, so I do have some things on my mind. As the financial crisis is hitting deeper and deeper and some of my friends are already being laid off, I might accept the offer from last years company for now and see how I like it to work there full time. Then again I might not, depends on salary and responsibilities I guess.

These last couple of days, I ve been kind of scared of not finding a job though, or getting a job without job security, something I was really looking for when finally entering the real life, but then thinkin about the field i m going to work in, there is probably no job security. unfortunately.
Maybe I will open a sports store after all, focusing on American Sports and borderline sports like Lacrosse, Cricket and stuff. We shall see.
I guess everyone is going through this phase at this stage of life, as its the 3rd big step. Childhood, School Years, University Years and now Work Life.

Also today I though about the age my mom gave birth to my sister. She was actually 26 and I m 27, so by now I would be a father already. Crazy. Well lefts find a job first ;)

Other than that, a visit to korea to see my sister is on the schedulde and that should be fun, although I think it will also be draining my energy. Too long a travel, but it should be worth it in the end. Delicious food, cheap equipment =)

So thats it for today, but not without another quote:

"Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You re going to love it!" - TV show Friends

Its done!!!!!

GRADUATION - JANUARY 21st 2009

So finally, after a long long journey, I ve finished my studies. And with that I ve finished a chapter of my life, which has seen me develop from an insecure child to an independent grown up, which is handling life, even though reading my blog it seems like I m not. But really I am. I ve finally arrived on the real stage and once I find a job and place to settle down, this is really what will dictate my life for the future and I think it will also help me to find peace of mind and I should be a different person from then on =)

So, thats really whats happening now. Me trying to find a job. So if anyone has a job in Event or Projectmanagment in the waiting, feel free to leave me a comment ;P

Other than this, still having lots of thoughts and ideas for the upcoming baseball season. I really wanna make a change and have the team feel my own touch, without copying everything from last season. But I think some people have already sensed it and I really hope we can be a better team, win more games and therefore have an exciting season.

Anyways that is it for today, but not before the latest quote.....

Take care everyone

" Obstacles are meant to strengthen, not defeat. We experience hard times when
we start forgetting to appreciate what we have. No matter what challenges you
endure, know that it is only to have you remember what you are made of and the
power you have to make a difference."-Kathlin Panteah

A new year and definately a new chapter

Welcome 2009!



This year my life will change forever in every aspect of life, at least if all goes according to plan.
I will graduate next week. I will then hopefully find a job soon, finally work and have some direction and security in my life. It will also enable me to finally move out and set up my own place, which hopefully help me to strengthen my own identity, as I ve often lived in made up places, which i didnt really have that much of a choice to decide what I want. For example I have never in my whole life had the chance to pick my own furniture and as silly as this may sound I m really looking forward to it.



I have also become the Headcoach of the mens baseball team, a new challenge in my life, which I m excited for and I really hope I can make a difference, as I m currently making a lot of plans, but I tend to get frustrated rather quickly in things like these, but I know I have to be patient as things take time. But hopefully by the end of june we will also have our own field and I ll have more opportunities. I might also be reelected on the EB and plan to make some changes in structure and organization there.Then at the end of the year I might call it quits to finally give my body some rest as its taken a toll. But I guess it will take some time to decide that, but it might be time.



And everything else in my life will of course depend on where i find my job and where I ll settle down.



So yes I m excited for 2009. Its a clean sheet with a million possibilities. And even if its just for the reason stated in the quote it gives me hope.

"Everything that humans want or desire or hope for, every kind of external fetish no matter how remote or minor that they may premise some key part of their happiness upon, is a nerve that can be tweaked, a fear that can be toyed with -- even by oneself. Most of the "present" in human life is really subjective projections of a kind of future that one needs to believe in, in order to stave off despair or futility or disillusionment, etc. We live most of our lives in an unwitting subjunctive mood, in the unrecognized modulation from actualities into the possibilities of an always-intoxicating wish-world." - Kenneth Smith